Hurt people hurt people and in what aspect of life is this not true? This, of course makes me think of parenting, mainly my parents and specifically my mom. In her childhood she had a schizophrenic father who sexually molested her, her sister and any friends they happened to bring over. He used to beat my mother bloody and throw her out of the house for days at a time, all before the age of 10 and after. This may or may not be true, but it was what my mother said to me, usually crying. Me, balled up in her lap hating her, but glad that the storm was over, she would bawl and apologize and beg for forgiveness and give me all of the excuses as to why it had happened again. My black eyes would never shed a tear. In my drinking I may have been neglectful to my family, preferring the company of myself to theirs, but I have never been violent and for that I am grateful.

After a meeting last night a man with 6 days of sobriety came and talked to me. He was explaining his frustrations with his inability to stay sober, despite going to meetings and using every last bit of willpower that he had. He was sad and I was sad for him. I asked if he had at least acknowledged the possibility of a higher power and he told me about how he had gone to church and even been to confession, but did not answer the question. I am certainly in no place to give anyone advice, but I explained that for me acknowledging that I believe, and had (surprisingly to me) always believed that I have a higher power, though I doubt he or anyone else would recognize it as being such, had been the thing that made recovery real this time around, as opposed to all the other times that I had tried to stop drinking. I told him about my mother, who had been a devout Christian her whole life but had remained a tormented and violent person her whole life, despite her best intentions. I explained that I didn’t believe she had ever actually met her higher power, or at least the evidence did not point in that direction. I, of course, have no idea whether or not this is true. It took her dying and the beginning of what surely would have been a particularly long and destructive spiral with my drinking to get me back into the program. Unfortunately, assuming I stay in the program (by the grace of God) I will have to make amends with my memories of her. Shit.

I want to sum up what I am trying to say but I don’t have an exact point. Hurt people hurt people. I was hurt and have hurt plenty of people. I regret that and am changing my life in so many positive ways so that I hurt people less because hurt people do indeed hurt people and I have seen enough hurt for more than one lifetime.

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